Happy 500th Post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It should be noted that THIS is the 500th post since Malena and I began doing this blog a couple of years ago. Happy 500th Post, Blog!!!!!!!!!!

So it seems entirely fitting that I post my Therapy Essay here for it. I thought I had posted it at one point, but judging from the e-mails and comments, it seems I did not...So without further ado......


How I Survived Therapy in One Easy Evening


I have been going thru a lot of changes in life lately, and so, have decided that it is time to take the step and seek a Therapist. Someone, kind, and knowing and supportive , who can help me figure out my life , past and present and someone who can help me get onto the path that I am wanting to follow. I shall emerge a stronger, healthier more together person. ( cue music ) powerful, able to handle whatever life throws at me!

I made the phone calls and have made the appointment, and been told that " some paperwork " will arrive, which I simply fill out, and bring along to my first appointment, about a week from now. NOW, it begins!

Well, the paperwork arrived today and , in keeping with my new together life, I am going to fill it out NOW.

Seems to be 25 pages long. Ok, well, therapy can't be easy. By the time I am done, I am sure I will know a lot more about myself, and these questions are certain to help my new Therapist help me onto my new life of Bliss and Serenity.

Fortunately the first 23 pages seem to deal exclusively with Insurance and since ( soapbox alert ) like most self employed persons or persons employed by companies with less than 1000 employees , I have no insurance as I cannot find any I can afford, this section can be dispensed with altogether.Well, 5 minutes in and I am nearly done and ready to get on with the last bit, which is no doubt the personal, insightful section that will help my Therapist find, The Real Me, so they can help me onward and upward , to my new state of being, where I know exactly what the heck is going on! ( and it is the only BLUE page in the entire packet, which ought to mean Something )

I am so ready.

Question #1: Name, address, phone and age.

I am way ok with most of these, a little hazy on the age, but I can make a pretty good guess, especially since I tried to move that filing cabinet and now have lower back issues.

Question #2: Why are you coming to us for counseling?

Good Question, very pertinent, clearly the Therapist ought to know this. Except the space provided seems to be, well, rather small. Approx., wait, forget approx., I have a tape measure in my Handy Tool Kit, and after measuring I find the space provided is Exactly 2 inches by 3 and 1/2. Not enough space for issues like mine. Need more space. Blank Book? YES! I have lots of those, and no doubt the Therapist will appreciate my thoroughness. Page one, index.......

Question #3: What happened to make you seek help THIS time?

THIS time? That supposes a lot, quite a bit really. This is my first time. I suppose that people DO seek help a number of times, but it seems to me that starting out supposing that -I- am a three or four time loser is getting off on quite the wrong foot. My hopes and dreams are starting to tarnish slightly, but no one ever said this therapy was going to be easy.

Question #4: Is counseling a condition of your sentencing?

Sentencing? Like Jail Time? Hmmm...Tricky. Just how many of those " Ha-ha, you parked on the wrong side of the street in the winter AGAIN " tickets have I piled up in the glove box? I know , I know , I get a lot of them, but the parking is based on the date of the month, even days , odd days, and street address. Not only have I just moved into my new house and have trouble remembering my address, never mind if it is even or odd, I simply can't DO the DATE of the month. I have trouble with days of the week, which , there being only seven of them is infinitely easier.

I get by pretty well tho, all in all, I am pretty good with " is it an a) Plane Day or b) Gig day and if the day does not involve getting on a plane or playing a show, clearly it is a personal assistant day and I nip into work. Still, jail time and sentencing seems pretty harsh, and since this form has pre-supposed that I have sought help before , I am going to play the pre-suppose card and assume there will be no sentencing. ( kind of a " get out of jail free card" as it were. )

Question #5 Do you have any problems with drugs, alcohol, emotional issues, sexual abuse, abuse or family members?

I believe I covered that in Question #2, the blank book? Therapist, are you still with me??????

Question #6 How many hours a week do you work on average?

Huh?

Calculator. This is turning into more of a household project instead of my therapy. May get the hammer as well, and a few nails, just in case. Ok, how many hours ARE there in a week? It's like a math problem. We can do this. One step at a time. I already know there are seven days in the week. and I know there are 24 hours in the day. That's ..My calculator doesn't work. I am not making this up for purposes of this essay. The thing is dead in the water, ok, pen... This is getting harder than I thought, but according to my calculations with the pen there are 168 hours in the week. Now, what is considered "work". The things one gets paid for? ok, I get paid to be a personal assistant, an entertainer, a musician and a writer. I don't get paid for the housework , but that is the only one that actually FEELS like work. I mean, I have SIX different kinds of floor cleaner and I don't know what ANY of them do.

Alright, alright, subtract sleep, say 5 hours a night that would be 35 hours a week, leaving 135 hours.

OK. 135 hours a week of work.

Question #7 What strengths do you have to assist you in therapy?

ARGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Answer: I can do math without a calculator.

Question #8 Are you or have you been and have you had, a veteran, suicidal thought, religious concerns, eating problems or jail time ( there's that jail bit again...)

Well, the jury is still out on god and the cosmos and exactly which god is currently looking after me, but no. Right. Answer NO. ( St Jude patron saint of lost causes help me...)

Question #9 How many days in the last month ( there's that DATE thing again ) have you been late or absent for work or school or spent time in jail?

Jail? Again? Well, ok, I can see why that might be uppermost in my therapist's mind. I mean, one needs to know these things. Scheduling and all. I am going to write a check for those parking tickets NOW and refuse to answer any more jail queries.

Question #10 ( nearly done , I see, skipping to the end ) How is your relationship with your spouse, children, parents and siblings? No room for details, this is all circle from excellent to poor. Easy. Finally. Have no spouse or kids, and my parents and siblings don't affect me much.

OK. Question #11 and we are done done done! This therapy is way harder than I expected, but I feel I have been learning a LOT about myself and that this will help my new therapist with, well, it might help with something , I can't see it myself, but , there you have it, that's why I am IN therapy, because I don't understand a LOT of things about this world.

Here we go...Great. It is Question #11 with parts a, b, c, and d.

a) Current marriage, date, age of spouse, children ,ages, physical placement, ( HUH???) school, date of marriage, date marriage ended ( there it is, that negativity again, what's UP with this????? ) are they dead???? ( fine gothy idea that, but I digress )

b) Previous Marriage date, age of spouse, children ,ages, physical placement, date of marridge, date marridge ended are they dead????

c) First marriage date, age of spouse, children ,ages, physical placement, date of marridge, date marridge ended are they dead????

d).........

No. Can't do it.

I am cured! It's a miracle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Therapy has WORKED and I. AM. CURED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Therapist, if you even need any help, come and see me, I have a few questions first, I'll send you some forms......

Feeling Better, Canine Good Citizens and Literary Value

Hurrah! I think I am starting to recover from this. I also think that stopping all the darn drugs is making me recover faster. There was one for not being able to breathe, one for antibiotics, one for the cough and one to stop me throwing up as the first three made me so sick.

A nurse friend remarked that she thought it odd that they gave me Vicaden, as it is addictive, and I said HELLO??? No danger there. Let's see? What did I enjoy more? Throwing up? Nightmares? Shaking? People do that for FUN???? Sigh. Had it not been for the fact that I would shortly develop "illness" that would cause me to need whisky on a daily basis, I would have been much better off with a shot of scotch in a mug of herb tea. Ease the breathing and coughs and send me to sleep.

One weird thing, you know how the drug ads on TV must list the side effects, which they do in haste at the end of the beautiful ad? Well, in the mist of my illness, I heard the strangest one of all. We will call it New Wonder Drug, or NWD for short. I can't remember what it was meant to be FOR, but at the end of the general "May cause weakness, dizziness, heart trouble, nausea ect...They said "In certain circumstances may cause DEATH" and then "A certain percentage of some studies indicate that some people may be helped by NWD" (actual words, wrote 'em down)

Hello? IS there any indication that this NWD actually HELPS any condition? I am not a paranoid person, but I am starting to SUSPECT SOMETHING, as Pooh said of the Bees,
in regards to big drug companies...

Cabal, the Pipe Wielding Dog, had his first day in the Canine Good Citizen class tonight. (go ahead, snicker) I did explain to him yesterday that tripping on the Tire Jump and knocking it into my Boss, knocking him out, and bloodying his nose was NOT Good Citizen behaviour, and he said he was sorry. He did great tonight tho. The wonders of the cooked chicken treats in my pocket, I am thinking.

I got myself into a Thing the other day. A Nice Lady from a Literary Magazine that I cannot remember the name of, asked Boss if he would write some non-fiction for them. Boss cannot take anything more on, but I said "Hi, non-fiction? I'm your women" Great, says the Nice Lady, send it on over.

Oh. Says I. What do you want. Here is what the Nice Lady told me...

I'm not looking for any special topic; We have a very broad aesthetic. I guess our only real "requirement" is that it have a measure of literary value. That sounds kind of stuffy, but we like to publish essays that are more than anecdotes or experiences, essays that expand beyond themselves. We've published funny essays, ones that break your heart, some that really stir up discussions. I'm glad you're still interested in sending some work this way!

Hmmm...I think my essays are rather fun, like "Top Ten Things Never to Send Your Favourite Writer" or " Day in the Life of a Personal Assistant" or "How I survived One Day in Therapy" or even "Owning Bengals: What the Internet won't tell you" but, one wonders, do they have Literary Value? How does one tell?

Is it like when you go to a big bookstore and they have a Literature section and a Fiction section. Does anyone know what the difference is? I can't seem to figure it out. I know there is sci-fi, fantasy, romance, mystery, but many novels that might be in any of them end up in Literature. And Vi's versa. All very confusing.

I would like to write something that has Literary Value. I think the Book Malena and I are working on has Literary Value, in that people will read it and it will make them dream, and happy, and see things they would not have seen, had we not written it. But again, who can say?

I would like to write something for these people, as I have quite enjoyed corresponding with this Nice Lady. (She is a one of us) but what, one wonders.....

What?

Love and Mysteries,
Lorraine