Thursday, April 17, 2008

Happy 500th Post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It should be noted that THIS is the 500th post since Malena and I began doing this blog a couple of years ago. Happy 500th Post, Blog!!!!!!!!!!

So it seems entirely fitting that I post my Therapy Essay here for it. I thought I had posted it at one point, but judging from the e-mails and comments, it seems I did not...So without further ado......


How I Survived Therapy in One Easy Evening


I have been going thru a lot of changes in life lately, and so, have decided that it is time to take the step and seek a Therapist. Someone, kind, and knowing and supportive , who can help me figure out my life , past and present and someone who can help me get onto the path that I am wanting to follow. I shall emerge a stronger, healthier more together person. ( cue music ) powerful, able to handle whatever life throws at me!

I made the phone calls and have made the appointment, and been told that " some paperwork " will arrive, which I simply fill out, and bring along to my first appointment, about a week from now. NOW, it begins!

Well, the paperwork arrived today and , in keeping with my new together life, I am going to fill it out NOW.

Seems to be 25 pages long. Ok, well, therapy can't be easy. By the time I am done, I am sure I will know a lot more about myself, and these questions are certain to help my new Therapist help me onto my new life of Bliss and Serenity.

Fortunately the first 23 pages seem to deal exclusively with Insurance and since ( soapbox alert ) like most self employed persons or persons employed by companies with less than 1000 employees , I have no insurance as I cannot find any I can afford, this section can be dispensed with altogether.Well, 5 minutes in and I am nearly done and ready to get on with the last bit, which is no doubt the personal, insightful section that will help my Therapist find, The Real Me, so they can help me onward and upward , to my new state of being, where I know exactly what the heck is going on! ( and it is the only BLUE page in the entire packet, which ought to mean Something )

I am so ready.

Question #1: Name, address, phone and age.

I am way ok with most of these, a little hazy on the age, but I can make a pretty good guess, especially since I tried to move that filing cabinet and now have lower back issues.

Question #2: Why are you coming to us for counseling?

Good Question, very pertinent, clearly the Therapist ought to know this. Except the space provided seems to be, well, rather small. Approx., wait, forget approx., I have a tape measure in my Handy Tool Kit, and after measuring I find the space provided is Exactly 2 inches by 3 and 1/2. Not enough space for issues like mine. Need more space. Blank Book? YES! I have lots of those, and no doubt the Therapist will appreciate my thoroughness. Page one, index.......

Question #3: What happened to make you seek help THIS time?

THIS time? That supposes a lot, quite a bit really. This is my first time. I suppose that people DO seek help a number of times, but it seems to me that starting out supposing that -I- am a three or four time loser is getting off on quite the wrong foot. My hopes and dreams are starting to tarnish slightly, but no one ever said this therapy was going to be easy.

Question #4: Is counseling a condition of your sentencing?

Sentencing? Like Jail Time? Hmmm...Tricky. Just how many of those " Ha-ha, you parked on the wrong side of the street in the winter AGAIN " tickets have I piled up in the glove box? I know , I know , I get a lot of them, but the parking is based on the date of the month, even days , odd days, and street address. Not only have I just moved into my new house and have trouble remembering my address, never mind if it is even or odd, I simply can't DO the DATE of the month. I have trouble with days of the week, which , there being only seven of them is infinitely easier.

I get by pretty well tho, all in all, I am pretty good with " is it an a) Plane Day or b) Gig day and if the day does not involve getting on a plane or playing a show, clearly it is a personal assistant day and I nip into work. Still, jail time and sentencing seems pretty harsh, and since this form has pre-supposed that I have sought help before , I am going to play the pre-suppose card and assume there will be no sentencing. ( kind of a " get out of jail free card" as it were. )

Question #5 Do you have any problems with drugs, alcohol, emotional issues, sexual abuse, abuse or family members?

I believe I covered that in Question #2, the blank book? Therapist, are you still with me??????

Question #6 How many hours a week do you work on average?

Huh?

Calculator. This is turning into more of a household project instead of my therapy. May get the hammer as well, and a few nails, just in case. Ok, how many hours ARE there in a week? It's like a math problem. We can do this. One step at a time. I already know there are seven days in the week. and I know there are 24 hours in the day. That's ..My calculator doesn't work. I am not making this up for purposes of this essay. The thing is dead in the water, ok, pen... This is getting harder than I thought, but according to my calculations with the pen there are 168 hours in the week. Now, what is considered "work". The things one gets paid for? ok, I get paid to be a personal assistant, an entertainer, a musician and a writer. I don't get paid for the housework , but that is the only one that actually FEELS like work. I mean, I have SIX different kinds of floor cleaner and I don't know what ANY of them do.

Alright, alright, subtract sleep, say 5 hours a night that would be 35 hours a week, leaving 135 hours.

OK. 135 hours a week of work.

Question #7 What strengths do you have to assist you in therapy?

ARGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Answer: I can do math without a calculator.

Question #8 Are you or have you been and have you had, a veteran, suicidal thought, religious concerns, eating problems or jail time ( there's that jail bit again...)

Well, the jury is still out on god and the cosmos and exactly which god is currently looking after me, but no. Right. Answer NO. ( St Jude patron saint of lost causes help me...)

Question #9 How many days in the last month ( there's that DATE thing again ) have you been late or absent for work or school or spent time in jail?

Jail? Again? Well, ok, I can see why that might be uppermost in my therapist's mind. I mean, one needs to know these things. Scheduling and all. I am going to write a check for those parking tickets NOW and refuse to answer any more jail queries.

Question #10 ( nearly done , I see, skipping to the end ) How is your relationship with your spouse, children, parents and siblings? No room for details, this is all circle from excellent to poor. Easy. Finally. Have no spouse or kids, and my parents and siblings don't affect me much.

OK. Question #11 and we are done done done! This therapy is way harder than I expected, but I feel I have been learning a LOT about myself and that this will help my new therapist with, well, it might help with something , I can't see it myself, but , there you have it, that's why I am IN therapy, because I don't understand a LOT of things about this world.

Here we go...Great. It is Question #11 with parts a, b, c, and d.

a) Current marriage, date, age of spouse, children ,ages, physical placement, ( HUH???) school, date of marriage, date marriage ended ( there it is, that negativity again, what's UP with this????? ) are they dead???? ( fine gothy idea that, but I digress )

b) Previous Marriage date, age of spouse, children ,ages, physical placement, date of marridge, date marridge ended are they dead????

c) First marriage date, age of spouse, children ,ages, physical placement, date of marridge, date marridge ended are they dead????

d).........

No. Can't do it.

I am cured! It's a miracle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Therapy has WORKED and I. AM. CURED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Therapist, if you even need any help, come and see me, I have a few questions first, I'll send you some forms......












27 Comments:

At 2:56 PM , OpenID pantagruel said...

Happy 500th post!

I love the essay -- so needed that laugh today. ;) The hours of work in a week calculation was very funny, and I also liked the division of days up into Plane Days and Gig Days.

 
At 4:28 PM , Blogger Yoga Gal said...

Happy 500th post! Your upbeat blog has been therapy for me! I loved your essay on finding therapy. I go to a therapist because I suffer from physical chronic pain and that leads to depression. Because my pain was cause by the results of an auto accident I didn't have to go through the paper you did for my doctor did all that work. But dealing with all the paper work and insurance can cause you to need therapy! Great blog!

 
At 6:14 PM , Blogger merryhousekeeper said...

LOL! I love that story! YOU should be a therapist:) "lorraine, Music Therapist" appointments required.

Happy 500th to you both!

 
At 7:02 PM , Blogger FabulousLorraine said...

Thanks! I went to two different therapists, and BOTH of them listened to me and said " well, have you thought about journaling..."

Figured I was better off on my own.....

 
At 10:54 PM , Blogger spacedlaw said...

Got to be the cheapest therapy session, ever!
I think you are a bit lean on the working hours. I am pretty sure you sleep less than five hours each day.

Happy birthday to you, little blog, happy birthday to you...
(Hand on. You know a MUCH better version of that.)

 
At 11:23 PM , Blogger Rubius said...

and we shall sing it again... and again... and again...

Alouette, jaunte alouette, alouette, je t'ai plumerais..

no wait.. that's not the one...

hehehehe

I tried to describe your birthday song to people... but couldn't do it ... not at all.

thanx for the stories L.

 
At 11:33 PM , Blogger spacedlaw said...

I tried to SING it to other people and they just stared at me with this embarrassed smile on their lips clearly thinking "There she goes again. Let's just pretend everything is normal for a while and maybe she'll stop..."

 
At 12:06 AM , Blogger Rubius said...

I sort of... kind of... mini-tried to sing it but couldn't get the words to line up right... but I understand your pain... they looked at me like that too.

:-)

oh and btw... happy 500th!! now... how many WORDS is that?

 
At 4:23 AM , Blogger ivenotime said...

ok you guys, you realize we now need an audio of this birthday song, right? hee hee, great essay Lorraine, and happy 500th post!

 
At 6:35 AM , Blogger Dan Guy said...

Happy 500th! The blog doesn't look a day over 314!

Love the essay. Once the wit starts tossing out the funny it doesn't stop! I think it was especially funny to me because my father is a psychologist who spent my teen years counseling "trouble youth", so the fixation on jail tickles me to no end.

 
At 12:22 PM , Blogger Malena said...

500! That's even old for undead creatures like me.

 
At 4:03 PM , OpenID ariandalen said...

WHOOP!
Happy 500th!
That means well over 1,000 comments. :)

Thank you for the essay. I vaguely remember filling out paperwork before my first (adult) therapy session 11 years ago. It sometimes seemed I was answering the same question over and over, just phrased differently. I guess I got lucky, because I stuck with my therapist and it helped. So did the anti-depressant, even if I can't remember the name of the one I was on (not Prozac, but another SSRI). Every session ended with him asking me if I wanted to come back, until I said, "No."

Happy Day!

 
At 7:07 PM , Blogger FabulousLorraine said...

I never made it past a couple of trys with them, I wish they had been better, and glad to know people have been helped.

We need to hear from Dan Guy, who is out there in the wold world of NYC, finding places to sleep and seeing my Boss speak...Dan???? We need a report here!

 
At 8:05 PM , Blogger Kitty Cat said...

i think Danth is wandering the NY subways, in his bonnet...lost...wearing a sign that says "will do HTML for food" OK, i kid. He is probably having so much fun he has forgotten the little people....we are waiting Web Goblin...

now correct me Quiche, but wasn't this hilarious essay once meant to become a short film>? i mean not in the way Scottish Stairway to Heaven was going to be.. but a real film. Please address!

and happy to report, Drew & I saw Malena walking down Hollywood Blvd last night from far away, and I was certain it was a modern day Elvira...heart stopping photos soon...!

 
At 8:35 PM , Blogger Rubius said...

oh kitty!!! that was too good.

Danth is the manth!!!

He can handle it... if he can handle placing himself in London on his own with no money... he can handle NY for a night without a planned room... he is brilliant.

 
At 4:20 AM , Blogger Dan Guy said...

[Written late last night. It didn't post for some reason.]
I just ate an insane amount of delicious sushi! Not with the Boss or Bill Hader, alas, but I wasn't really expecting to so whatev! Not grumbling about Charles B. shooing me away... Definitely not.

I am staying with an old college friend who lives right around the corner, so fear not for my wellbeing!

The reading was very well attended and a lot of fun. Bill Hader's introduction was hillarious. He explained how Neil books are his lucky totem and then did his impressions of Reynolds Price and Al Pacino as Dream. He also did a Neil impression but it sounded more like a generic John Lennon -- needs way more work.

It was the most unique Q&A I've ever witnessed, I think, as one guy used his question to get Neil to ask a girl across the room for her number, and a girl used her's to ask to take a picture with Neil.

You will all be happy to know that his eyes-region looks much, much better. I couldn't even tell he was damaged from the back row.

And I saw Mimi there! And "Lucy Anne".

A nice night, all 'round.

 
At 5:24 PM , Blogger Kitty Cat said...

hello from the Elton John show,
there are so many "big" names on the guest list, yes, girls, the Royal Purple short one....

so DAnth, you have surfaced---and what did Charles do to ye? i k-i-l...
bye all, wish me luck, i have to cook Sir EJ's 2 cute dogs dinner. No, really.

 
At 6:57 PM , Blogger FabulousLorraine said...

Well, I am glad anyway that you are not wandering the subways, Dan Guy.....And glad you got to go and see the Boss. Sorry you got chased!

Kitty, you make me laugh!!!!!!!! I love the idea of Sir E's dogs waitng for dinner while yu post here!

Happy Full Moon, everyone. It was just coming up thru the trees few minutes ago, all golden and round...

 
At 7:58 PM , Blogger ariandalen said...

Well, at least we trust that Sir EJ's puppies will be well fed. :)

It does beg the question what they eat. And I'm curious as to their breed(s).

 
At 1:27 AM , Blogger spacedlaw said...

Pictures! Yes, yes, YES!
Malena is far better than Elton John (in my not so humble opinion) and a picture of Neil not quite looking like a painful rainbow aymore has been posted already. So pictures of Malena is what I want, please, please, please.

 
At 10:26 AM , Blogger Dan Guy said...

Err, Vincent Price. I meant Vincent Price, not Reynolds Price (the famous author and Duke prof).

I had never seen Neil perform Being An Experiment, only read it and heard him do it from Warning: Contains Language. Seeing it was the best.

I've been reading the kids THE GRAVEYARD BOOK, and taking it slowly enough to read aloud allows me to try to imagine hearing Neil reading it and to try to give it the proper inflections, so I was interested to hear how Neil actually reading it differed from the Neil voice in my head. Apparently I pronounced Ghelheim all wrong. And I pretty sure I'm spelling it wrong.

I too must know what Sir Elton's dog's eat.

 
At 10:37 AM , Blogger FabulousLorraine said...

We do need to know what these dogs eat....

I have no pictures of Malena to post for you, she will have to do that herself, but I will be posting later today one or two of ME!

Holding my favorite Bird around here, the Red Belly Woodpecker.

 
At 11:59 AM , Blogger spacedlaw said...

Ha! The Red Bellied Woodpecker! Thus called because its belly is white and its head is red...
Are you busy banding?

 
At 12:10 PM , Blogger Dan Guy said...

Blogger ate my comment. Bah.

Yes, Lorraine, you're right. I repent my brief fall into the realm of celeb minutia obsession and firmly resolve to remain firmly elevated to the plane of Our Lady Lorraine of the Bird-Holding worship.

 
At 1:36 PM , Blogger FabulousLorraine said...

Bird Holding IS really cool. I like being here when the banders come. I bring them coffee, they let me hold birds.

And yes, so called Red Bellied because it has a white belly and red head. Those wacky Birderers!

 
At 2:05 PM , Blogger Malena said...

Finally the Neverwear photos are done. Thanks to David and Miles. I'll post them soon and Kitty will have them in the store ASAP. Life moves fast here in LA LA land. Kitty, bow to the Prince when you see him. There is a wanna be superhero amazon who worships his music in Topanga.

 
At 2:21 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

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