Thursday, May 29, 2008

How to REALLY Embaress Yourself...

The true Adventure of yesterday did not make itself known until this morning, when I tried to get out of bed and all I could feel was evil, stabbing, screaming pain in my knee!!!

I'll go back a bit. I didn't mention it yesterday, because, I didn't think it was either interesting or important, but while walking my Cat, I managed, gracefully, to fall down the steep hill in my front yard. Twisting my knee most horridly. At the time, I thought "MAN! That sure hurt!!!" and thought the same thru the evening, but since it was me, the laptop and Law and Order SUV on the couch, there wasn't much pain going on, except when I moved, and I thought, "well twisted your knee walking your cat, silly girl, it will be better in the morning"

Or not.

By the time I got to work, I was crying it hurt so badly.

Merry Housekeeper and I looked at it. She said she thought it was swollen, and I said "NO! I am just FAT!" And she said, "Well, only in the one knee then"

She had a point.

This being a small town, I was able to call my doctor, Dr Dan, and nip (as it were) right on in. (for me to go to the doctor, it has to be BAD.) It seems I tore something, tho the swelling has go down before we will know the extent. It could be just a muscle. Or ligaments. Or cartilage.

They suggested crutches, Advil, and heat.

I suggested a bed in the ICU with morphine drip. We compromised with Advil with codeine, and it still hurts just as much, but now I don't care.

Altho it is extremely embarrassing, there is some humour in being wheeled around the hospital and having people say "LORRAINE! How did you do this???" (small town, remember?) and replying "I fell down a hill while walking my Cat"

No one was able to keep a straight face.

Myself included.

Love and Pain,


At 3:12 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ouch! Let's hope it's just a muscle pull and not soft tissue damage. My best wishes for healing well and quickly go out to you. Advil with codeine is nice, because you're right -- you hurt, but you don't really care much.

Though, dude? You didn't have to try to prove how dorky everyone here is! I believed you! :)

On a slightly more serious note, have you considered the possibility that the animals are all conspiring? Between the bees, the birds, the bengals, and Cabal, I'm beginning to wonder. Perhaps offerings are in order to placate the beasts...

At 3:29 PM , Blogger Bulfinch's Aglaia said...

OH NO!!! I am so sorry. Poor Fablo's knee (and I'm so glad the Merry Housekeeper looked at it). And if the animals are in a conspiracy, don't they realize that if they don't have you, they don't have anything good happening in their lives, like food and fun and cuddles?! Seriously, I hope it is nothing terribly serious... (and I love SVU, oh yeah)

At 3:29 PM , Blogger FabulousLorraine said...

Cabal ate horse poop yesterday and I don't want to TELL you what it did to his digestive system. Or the state of the house when he couldn't get out in time.

Merry Housekeeper goes beyond the realm of duty, I tell you.

(It was she who wheeled me all over the hospital today too.)

Yup. Only a true Dork could injure herself walking a cat.

At 3:32 PM , Blogger FabulousLorraine said...

And oh, yes, I shall begin sacrificing them, all the animals.....(OK, that's the codeine talking)

Detective Benson. Oh yes.

At 3:34 PM , Blogger Rubius said...

Oh Lorraine!!! I am so sorry. I wish I could be there to pamper you and fetch things and help out. Poor critter. I hope the advil/codeine do well for you. I don't like codeine as it makes me feel sick so I hope it doesn't do the same for you.

Though I must admit... fell down a hill while walking my cats... is a damn good line.

You better not have tried to ride to work!!!! I sure am glad Merry Housekeeper was there to tell you to get to the doctor.

Now GET BETTER!!! or I will come there and make you get better!!!

At 3:37 PM , Blogger Rubius said...

we keep posting at the same time Lorraine, because I see the posts, read them, then start typing and by the time I publish the comment you have typed in two new ones.

I think I like the idea that we are across the continent from each other and are typing at the same time.

now... THAT (cabal's horrid meal) sounds yucky!

At 4:10 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Horse poop is NOT an offering, Cabal! The joys of dog ownership, I tell you. Sigh. Merry Housekeeper should be canonized.

I once lit my hand on fire, with the help of my Dog. So, I understand having to explain how I was a Dork repeatedly to the amusement of others. Boy, do I ever understand.

I expect to walk away from tomorrow with some spectacular stories about my dorkiness. Hopefully, no one else will notice what a Dork I am.

At 5:35 PM , Blogger Yoga Gal said...

Poor Lorraine, not only being kept busy running errands your past few days seem to be a series of unfortunate events! It was so sweet of you to comfort Cabal! You are a wonderful person. Never heard of walking a cat through. I laughed what you wrote about "Sense & Sensibility" actually there wasn't that much to do. If you were lucky you had servants to do most the work but you could't go to the movies, watch TV books weren't even that easy to get (No Borders or Barnes & Noble stores) no music really unless you played the piano and getting about to visit friends was easy plus limited shopping (no malls) not much to do. Be glad you live in this tech age.

At 5:36 PM , Blogger Yoga Gal said...

P.S. Take care of that knee! Ice and heat and don't do too much walking for a while! Get well soon!

At 5:37 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad Merry Housekeeper convinced you to go to the doctor, and they were able to give you at least something for pain. Even if all it does is make you not care about it.;)

Ain't it great how in small towns you can't get away with anything;) lol

Don't be too embarrassed though, at least you have the cat excuse. I've always been known as someone who can trip over well, air.

At 5:57 PM , Blogger Hera said...

Dr Dan to the rescue! he is wonderful! hope you feel better..

I am typing with a dog on my shoulder (yes really..) he's standing on the couch behind me with his front paws on my shoulder trying to see what I'm doing.. I was worried about him and sandfly bites this summer.. they were biting him lots but he never seemed to swell up or get itchy.. (I'm sure we would have been able to see the swell on his naked skin) but I imagine bee stings would be much worse :( poor Cabal..

Horse poo not so nice :( Loki ate a 30cm long bit of sheep.. (the wool.. it had just been shaved) and it still hasn't come out.. 2 days ago now..

oh and you can listen to three songs off the live album now, on my blog :)


At 6:19 PM , Blogger Maureen said...

OW!!! That really does sound like cat payback. "Take us out on a leash and parade us around like dogs, eh? We'll show you!"

Codeine is good. I've found the same: OK for pain but better for just making you not care so much.

I had a Bee Five Minutes today when a persistent bee was guarding the front door and would not move. He just kept buzzing back and forth, daring me to try to get in. I was armed only with a messy paintbrush. I would've just used the back door but the lock has broken and it is permanently shut at the moment. I had to wait for him to grow weary of taunting the human and move on to something else.

Pantagruel - I want to hear about how your dog helped you light your hand on fire. I've only lost a tooth to a dog. A flaming hand sounds truly bizarre.

At 6:36 PM , Blogger Rubius said...

you know I might have to agree with Kali-licious (love that name, btw)... at least the cats give you an excuse and a good story. I once broke my foot walking in flat shoes on a dry sunny day on flat pavement... no excuse = very embarrassing. (particularly as I was surrounded within seconds by a whole troup of japanese tourists all asking if I was okay)

I also managed to (I never got it x-rayed) mangle my hand last October at the con when I fell ... for no good reason... on stairs and caught myself by the fingers. also no excuse... and extremely embarrassing... and on the first day of a con I was working at. ugh.. useless me.

I would like to second the request for Pantagruel's flaming-hand dog story

Hera - Looking forward to the music... you rock.

At 7:05 PM , Blogger merryhousekeeper said...

I HAVE to tell you all what a die hard this woman is!! OMG! I am cleaning up the unmentionables and in comes a few shreiks of pain and laughter, yes laughter.. with every agonizing step she laughed, half out of sheer pain half out of complete denial I believe! "I have so much I NEED to do today! I can't be hurt, this was SO NOT in my schedule!" I looked, and saw, and said oh boy,.. call him. After a few minutes of her trying to ignore it and convince herself it would go away, she finally looked at me and said, "will you be my mom?" LOL, poor girl, I knew she needed to go. and we went. Torn tricep, fluid on the kneecap, can't tell the extent of damge/injuries to knee until all swelling goes down.(JOY!) again, what a trooper! dr.s poking at it, lifting,(me cringing in corner)
We get back out to work, so much to do, I adjust crutches, codiene taken,tiger balm, knee brace,she follows me to the garden. Diligence I tell you! Garden half planted, Fablo hobbled pointing with ther spare crutch where it all went, she even sat and Scooted to make the labels. Then, the codiene REALLY stared to work.. Time to go! I tell you, Fablo, you Rock!! Truly honored to be there for you, and always will. Call me if you need a ride! What a woman!

At 7:50 PM , Blogger Aleta said...

Yicks. This sounds really awful. What a stressful few days you have had. May I bring you some chicken noodle soup??

Merry Housekeeper -- bless you. It means so much to have a trusted companion by ones side when dealing with this sort of thing!

Lorraine -- there is a book in this -- or at least a short story. The days the animals lost their patience with the humans. Yup.

At 8:27 PM , Blogger ivenotime said...

Good Lord, leave for a few hours and this blog moves at the speed of light! Hey Lorraine, hope your knee's swelling goes down asap so they can assess what's wrong - which hopefully is minimal,and will just entail a few days rest. Pantagruel -echoes on story on fire hand! My injury isn't so interesting - i fell in a hole backward that our golden was digging, and since i was the only one home, i crawled the length of the lot on my hands and knees to get back to the house. I wasn't sure at that point if i was glad to live in the wood or not- a plus, no one can see me, a minus, no one can see me...i think i need a MerryHousekeeper..

At 8:34 PM , Blogger Rubius said...

Merry, Thank you for being there for our Lorraine.

We distanced people appreciate your wonderfulness very muchly.

Grammer gone out window.

At 10:01 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Merry Housekeeper, I wasn't kidding about you being canonized for sainthood.

Rubius -- those are both very impressive injuries. :) That takes a rare talent!

Alright then; I was hoping that'd fly under the radar, but you all are too sharp. I want to be really clear, though, that I'm not telling this to play the Misery Olympics (You know, the game where people say, 'Oh, what happened to you is nothing. You should hear what happened to me!'), but to say, I'm very familiar with how it feels to have a Dorky injury. So, because you asked -- How the Dog Helped Light My Hand on Fire:

It was Labor Day weekend, and I thought I'd have a nice barbeque in my backyard. The night was warm, there was a breeze, and I had cold beer and a grill. A charcoal grill. This was before pre-soaked briquettes, so I was cleaning out the old ashes, scraping the grill, putting down a new layer of charcoal, and looking for my new bottle of lighter fluid. My Dog was playing happily with my front neighbor's dogs, and they were chasing each other around our shared yard, tongues lolling with the pleasure of running. What could be nicer?

One thing I noticed as I was soaking the charcoal with lighter fluid, is that the bottle was also soaking me, despite my best efforts to hold the thing over the grill. Fluid was running all over my left hand and arm as I poured. No big deal, I thought. I'll just wait a bit before I light the matches.

I drank my beer as I waited for the fluid to evaporate. I had just lit the wooden match, when Dog and her two friends came careening around the corner and slammed into me.

Now, Dog is a German Shepherd/Rottweiler mutt. Lovely dog. Great at guarding. But not exactly what you'd call 'small.' My neighbor's dogs were smaller than Dog, but not by much. The impact of all three was enough to knock me off balance; and that is saying something. As I got my footing, the hand with the lit match... met the hand that had been marinating in lighter fluid.

The results were impressive.

I watched my left hand erupt in bright blue flame, and stood there thinking, This is just how I always thought casting a spell would be! What an awesome blue color that is! Oh, cobalt... wonder how to paint that transparent thing it's doing... It didn't hurt at all for a few moments, until my brain abruptly decided it was going to let me have the uncensored message from the surviving nerves in my hand: Hey! HEY! DYING NOW! I smothered my hand in my shirt to put the fire out, poured my beer over my hand and shirt for good measure, and raced inside to put my hand in ice water.

After about three minutes of agony, I remembered the rest of my first aid training, and decided this was not just a first-degree burn, or even a second -- it was a third-degree burn. Beer does not go on third-degree burns. As it happens, neither does dog saliva. Dog heard me cursing, came inside to see what had happened, and decided to apply the cutting edge of Dog medicine: dog spit. Rough dog tongue on blistering skin is not helpful. I barely kept myself from screaming at and hitting my hapless but well-intentioned Dog. I drove myself to the hospital, reeking of beer, dog spit crusting on my left arm, swearing loudly.

But as Lorraine knows, it's not enough to sustain the dorky injury. Oh, no. No, you have to tell everyone your story, and have them all start laughing at what a Dork you are. From the triage nurse ('No, my hand wasn't just burnt, it was on fire! I need to be seen NOW!') to the next few nurses ('Yes, I really did mean on fire; no, I am not drunk; and yes, that is dog spit drying on my arm, nothing else'), to the doctor who brightly said, 'I'm going to go get the students!'

I invented many new curses that night. I sat in pain for what seemed like hours but what was probably only 10 minutes. Once the ER was no longer convulsing with laughter, they treated my burned hand, ignored my cursing, gave me opiates, and made me promise I could drive home on my own.

My hand healed in a couple of weeks, but it now has a fine network of lines and wrinkles it never used to. When self-lighting charcoal came on the market, I just about cried with joy. I didn't live that dorky injury down for years.

At 10:21 PM , Blogger spacedlaw said...

So no cycling for a while, I guess.
No driving either, I suppose (I would not advise it). How will you go to work? Not that you could not work from home for most things, but running errands and such? Taking dog to agility classes?
I think it's a plot indeed from the cats to keep you indoors with them and give them plenty of cuddles.

And YES, I think too that Merry should be totally canonized. I'll go and talk about Benedetto about it.

Yickes of the hand on fire! How were you able to drive to the hospital? Can you use your hand normally?

At 10:30 PM , Blogger Rubius said...

Wow Pantagruel, that's rather... extreme... as dog injuries go, I'd say. Thanks for the story.

I certainly didn't mean to play 'the misery game' btw, I also just wanted to say that I'm quite dorky too and feel for the 'dork injured'. I tell you klutziness is a talent... but even more so is the talent of staying alive and in one piece when you are a klutz.

I hope your knee is resting, L. Just wish I could help.

At 11:12 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sheer willpower, Spacedlaw. Sheer willpower. And yes, I can use the hand just fine (thankfully, it's my off-hand; painting's never been possible with it anyway).

Rubius, I didn't think for a second you were playing the Misery Olympics; I just was afraid someone would think I was because of the longish story. But hopefully most here know by now that I'm just long-winded. ;)

Oh, Hera, I forgot to ask -- those wouldn't be New Zealand sandflies, would they?

Lorraine, I hope the codeine is working and you are fast asleep and thus healing. :)

Speaking of sleep, Book Expo tomorrow, and I can't fall asleep. Between looking for illustration work there, and wanting to not Dork in front of the Boss, I'm a bundle of nerves. Maybe I'll try codeine...

At 11:57 PM , Blogger Rubius said...

Pantagruel - I didn't think you meant that anyway... I wanted to agree that I dislike that one-up thing with injury-stories.

I like that first thought that went through your head though...'This is just how I always thought casting a spell would be! What an awesome blue color that is! Oh, cobalt... wonder how to paint that transparent thing it's doing...'

...That is just great. I love it. I bet that is just about what I would think too. Transparency in oils is very difficult.... and the magic thing... yeah... that's probably where my brain would go too. And I don't expect you should worry about rambling.. I sure do it and our lovely LaM haven't kicked me off... yet :-)

At 2:59 AM , Blogger Hera said...

Ah yes.. New Zealand sandflies.. thankfully they are 'Nicer' that the ones in Greenland..

(seriously.. I was warned about sandflies in Greenland before I went there.. but I thought everyone was joking.. they are monstrous there!)

yes very impressed by the first thought of casting a spell :) pretty blue flames.. not so nice to wear them though I imagine.. xox

At 4:38 AM , Blogger Dan Guy said...

Oh dear! That sounds terrible. If only I had time to construct a six-legged robocrabchair.

Oof. I hope the swelling goes down and it heals quickly.

At 4:39 AM , Blogger LauraJ said...

It won't make everything all right but arnica massage oil applied topically (say, very liberally and then swathing knee in TP to hold it there) will make it feel better and will smell nice. Really. Try it before sleeping. If the animals will let you. ("Wake her up and see if she's all right! Maybe she'll feed us!")

At 5:42 AM , Blogger ivenotime said...

oh pantagruel, what a story, and thankfully you can use the hand - tho i agree with rubius, the pretty blue color casting a spell part is pretty neat. We had the Anti Cabal visit us yesterday here - the blackest german shephard i have ever seen, beautiful animal. Lorraine hope this morning finds you feeling much much better, and you are able to get around alright.

At 7:32 AM , Blogger Heather said...

Aww! You poor thing! It is a sign of good health, however, that you're able to still laugh about the situation ;D

At 8:26 AM , Blogger EmilyLady said...

I actually love hospital humor. Hospitals tend to have a loving atmosphere (and I can say this from hefty experience!).

I'm sorry to know you're in such agony, though, and hope you feel much better soon! Keep us posted.


At 9:42 AM , Blogger FabulousLorraine said...

Wow, lose power for an evening and see what happens! Thanks for the stories!

(A thunderstorm, had nothing to do with the Bengals!)

I have Andrea the lovely massage lady coming over today, with Arnica (Thanks Lauraj!) and she is going to work on the thing. It sure feels better than yesterday, but if I twist, right back to doom!

I can drive fine, and walk, so that's all good. The heating pad was WAY popular last night and I finally gave in and let them have it.

You have to know when to walk away, as it were, with Bengals.

At 10:05 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

So glad you're feeling better! Some arnica & massage should fix you right up. :)

Didn't see Kitty, but am proud to report I was not a Dork. Boss liked his Danse Macabre present; who knew I guessed the title of Ch. 5?

At 11:54 AM , Blogger spacedlaw said...

Glad that you are feeling better dear, but be careful and don't overwork yourself or you run the risk of increasing the injury.
Good that you are getting a massage though.

At 12:50 PM , Blogger Aleta said...

So glad to hear that you are feeling better and doing things to feel even better than that!

Any word on you Sunday gig. People who need to get out more what to know!

At 1:37 PM , Blogger ariandalen said...

Ms. Fabulous, do take care of yourself. Knee injuries take a LONG time to heal completely. I speak from experience.

At 12:05 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aww thanks Rubius.:)
I consider myself VERY lucky that I've not broken anything in all my tumbles onto flat ground..I was totally cringing in sympathy for your hand and foot stories.

Merry, I third the vote for sainthood.:)

Pantagruel..Oh your poor hand! What is it about Rotties and Rottie mixes that they all have NO concept of how BIG they are? And staring at the pretty blue color..yeah, I'd probably do that too. (I'm easily fascinated;)

Lorraine, glad to hear the knee feels better:)


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